I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
