just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
