i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
