you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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