Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
