never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
