My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
