Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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