Me. At least after what I've been through.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
