My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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