Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
