I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Sorry about my life...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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