It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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