great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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