mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
