I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
