I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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