Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
