Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
