I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You're completely useless in the revolution.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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