Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
