yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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