I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
