I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
