my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
