I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You're a disaster