It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
