I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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