I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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