so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
