Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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