After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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