I can text with my tongue
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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