I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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