you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
