One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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