The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
