I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
