she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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