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I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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