My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
