Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
