The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
