I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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