Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
whose parrot is this?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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