He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
