If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
