i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
