Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
