The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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