Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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