How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.