i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions