he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
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Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
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Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?