I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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