Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
