My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
