I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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