So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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